Defiant

My life has changed significantly in the past 5 1/2 years. I’ve been quiet about it—not because it was my intention to walk away, not because I wanted a new life and to leave all other things behind, not because I decided that money was my god and focused on “getting rich.” (That is comical at best.)

When you stop talking, pick up your cross, and walk the road God planned in advance for you to walk, it will involve some sharp turns that nobody sees coming - and nobody understands. We were never asked to understand God. We were asked to follow Him. We have a choice - we can say no and stay where we (and others) think we belong. We can choose whichever fork in the road seems right at the time.

God is not demanding.

This has been an intense time of healing for me. When this journey began, I knew there were things in my heart that needed to be healed,

but I had no idea what was to come!

It's incredible when the noose around your neck is removed - that noose that you weren’t even aware of. It’s like nothing you could even imagine. Breathing is easier. Clarity comes quickly. Everything feels new and fresh. Maybe this analogy is better - when you’ve been walking in a theater, your eyes adjust to the darkness and you can move around, see others, navigate the steps and alleyways. But when you walk outside into the bright sunshine, it nearly blinds you! You must again adjust to navigate the new surroundings. You can see things that you couldn’t before!

For me, the rope that so easily formed its way around my neck and threatened to suck the very life from my body was religion.

This is by far the slyest, most captivating evil. Though we hear the term in certain circles, most don’t even know its existence. It parades its victims in orderly lines, curated with the right words and proper appearance, dressed to the nines and expressing model behavior. It’ll happily build a platform for the best of the best to shout about their accolades, victories, and grandeur. It’s always willing and available to whisper sweet nothings of self-doubt, condemnation, and reminders of how far we have yet to go to be good enough into the ears of church-goers.

It’s a vicious circle. It tells us all we haven’t made it, we’ve got very little opportunity to make it, and who does so and so think she is to believe she has made it? It plants seeds of hatred, racism, bitterness, and jealousy. We want to be happy for those crabs who make it out of the bucket, but our feelings of abandonment, shame, and doubt cloud our minds and numb our hearts. We know of their past sin. We know of their shortcomings. While this vile spirit of religion is busy highlighting their weaknesses, we’re in our corner polishing our self-purchased halo. (Man, that thing tarnishes easily?!)

I can’t look back and point to one thing I did that propelled me down this path. I CAN look and see one gift that did, however: FAITH!! This nasty religious spirit has criticized me for my faith since day one. And you know what? I’m thankful for the harsh criticism it so freely dished out.

It made me defiant!

Yes, I AM celebrating this defiance just a little bit! One of my sons always says that if you take a stand for anything, you’re automatically taking a stand AGAINST another thing. It’s just the way it works. I agree.

I read once that getting a dog to be a good Christian is easy. Just teach it to sit in the pew quietly each week, shake hands, and not bite anyone—even if they kick you—and viola! It's a ticket to heaven!! Yes, this struck a chord with my defiant side. It’s offensive to me because it’s so dang true… and that just didn’t sit well with me.

I think of when Peter and John were thrown into jail for healing the lame man at the Gate Beautiful. (Acts 3 - 4) They were instructed not to speak in “that Name” anymore.

Whhaaatttt??

That certainly fires up my defiance. What bothers me more is if it doesn’t spark yours in any way.

Maybe now it’s easier to see my need to journey into the desert and be healed. The criticism became too much for me. I started believing it myself.

“Church hopper”

“Won't submit to leadership”

“Prideful”

Defiant.

Those whispered lies were making their way from my ears to my heart, and sickness was settling in. Sickness in the form of anger, bitterness, and unbelief. Not at God - not at all at God - but towards those people who religion had told me were my elders, the rule-makers, the mature, apparently all-knowing-ones. My “brothers and sisters” in Christ were showing up faithfully, keeping the pews warm and the building clean and paid for, making sure to obediently drop their offering in the bucket and sow, sow, sow. I watched them walk in sick, smile and wave, and walk out sicker week after week. Trust me, if you see this through the blinders of religion long enough, you’ll begin thinking it’s normal and settle into its nonsensical routine.

But my heart screamed, “This is not who God is! This isn’t what this is supposed to be!”

I searched high and low, whispering through tears, “When does the REAL God show up?” Why do all these people think this is enough?

You see, I got saved NOT looking for God - or at least I didn’t know I was looking for Him. I knew that if my “good” life was all there was… if THIS was it… then I’m out. Blowing this popsicle stand. Bored. Unimpressed.

When God knocked me off my high horse, I knew nothing short of His Glory, Power, or Love would ever be good enough again. I met God for real, and He overtook me. It was 25 years ago, and I still don’t have words.

Shortly thereafter, I willingly placed the noose of religion around my neck, doing what I thought was the right thing to do.

✅ Go to church - 2 times per week is best.

✅ Be sure to tithe.

✅ Be sickeningly sweet to everyone. It doesn’t matter how they treat you. Jesus turned the other cheek, and so should you. Become a doormat.

✅ Sit quietly. Don’t ask questions. You’re a baby. You don’t have any anointing, and if you sit long enough, you’ll grow mold enough to maybe be a door greeter one day. Never mind that The One True God lives in you; that’s just poetic words from an old book. If it were real, one of the leaders would surely be teaching you what to do about it!!?!

✅ … and let's not shy away from this one - is your skin color even right enough to serve in certain churches?

But none of this made sense and my very practical mind was screaming for freedom.

Religion screeches a version of this from pulpits nationwide - “Christ came to set the captives free. You ARE free now.” The unspoken message often sounds something like, “Sit quietly and do what the pastor says. He knows all.”

I sense defiance rising while typing this, haha!

I am naturally bent toward organization and order. There was a short period when I dove deeply into legalism. I could check the boxes and earn gold stars all day long. Give me a challenge - I’ll conquer it.

This period was short-lived because I knew God, and this wasn’t God. It is the one and only fight I’ve ever intentionally picked with Him. I got so tangled up in the stark differences between what I would read in the Bible about grace and the legalism I was learning in church that nothing made sense. I blew up — Defiant. This time, towards God…

“Religion is for weak-minded people. I’m not believing anymore. This is stupid. I’m out!” I yelled.

He sat quietly.

I had fallen so hard for Him and loved Him so deeply that I usually talked to Him all day. After my blowup and yelling at Him that I was not believing in Him anymore, I’d catch myself talking to Him throughout the day. I’d stop and tell Him again that I was out and that religion is for weak-minded people.

He sat quietly.

By the end of that day, I found myself on my knees, crying out that I missed Him and was sorry. Immediately, He was right with me. He hadn’t gone anywhere, anyway. Perhaps He agreed - religion is for weak-minded people. I don’t know. But as the years have passed and so much healing has happened in my heart, I believe that may be the case.

Friend, faith is defiant.

When something that isn’t God raises its head and declares divinity, my faith becomes highly defiant. When I see characteristics of humans being appropriated to God, my faith becomes defiant. When I see the abuse by leaders of people whose hearts are broken and seeking God, my faith is very defiant.

Things are changing quickly. I believe God is getting ready to remove His Great Name from those things that don’t represent Him. It’s time to ensure your relationship with Him. He isn’t handing you a to-do list with boxes needing to be checked. He just wants you to love Him. He wants to be first in your life. He desires to walk with you, talk with you, laugh with you, empower you, and protect you.

It’s time to simply hear God and believe. Stand defiantly for His Promises. Be what He made you to be.

Don’t rely on anything else.

Don’t trust in anything else.

Don’t cleave to anything else.

Trust God. He truly does have good plans for you. His ways and thoughts are higher. Eyes on Him, Daughter. Eyes on Him, Son. Seek first His Kingdom!