unshackled
how it all began…
Walking into the church was as awkward as accidentally walking into a men’s restroom. I hadn’t ever been in an Assemblies of God church, and I truly didn’t know what that name even meant. I was familiar with Catholic and Lutheran weddings and funerals, but this did not in any way feel like that. To make things a little odder, we were late. Two of my nurse friends had invited me to hear a special guest speaker at church, and somehow, I watched as the word came out of my mouth: “yes”. Our shift ended at 7:30, and things were well underway when we walked through the door.
Finding our seats, Charlene leaned over to ask if I’d ever been slain in the Spirit. Not only had I not been slain in the Spirit, I had never even heard those words put together in a sentence! She may as well have asked if aliens had ever abducted me. Needless to say, I was on high alert in these very unfamiliar surroundings.
A man was on the stage (Forgive the terminology, but at that time in my life, that is the only term I knew.) shouting about how he was blind all of his life, a miracle happened, and now he can see. Hmmph. By nature, I am a very concrete thinker - and quite skeptical. My training as a nurse only solidified those tendencies. I hadn’t ever known a doctor who could restore someone’s sight. This all felt like garbage, and I wondered when he would ask for money. I also wondered how long I needed to stay before slipping away wouldn't be offensive to my well-meaning, holy-roller friends.
Just then, the man stopped mid-sentence and quietly looked around the room before announcing that he had just heard from God and was told to lay hands on and pray for everyone in the room. We were instructed to line up so he could pray for us.
Friend. Can I just reiterate how out of my normal this all was? Truth be told, at that moment, I would’ve been far more comfortable leaning up against a urinal waiting it out. I hadn’t ever heard of such a thing! And I certainly wasn’t going to get in line so some stranger could “pray for me”. However, every single person got up and got in line! I was not going to be the only one sitting there! Reluctantly, I got up and walked to the end of the line, planning to see how this whole thing worked and then sneak back and sit down when it was less noticeable.
The speaker was about two feet from the first person in line when he again paused, looked around the room quietly, and announced that God told him to start at the end of the line.
Yes. That IS where I was standing.
I am not one to back down. I may not know what I’m doing, but I’ll do my best to hide it. I did not have a clue what was going to happen, but my brave stance hopefully hid the nervousness on my face.
As he got closer to where I was standing, I smiled, and he smiled. He reached his hands toward my head.
I don’t know what happened next. I don’t know if he touched me or if he prayed words out loud or … anything.
I only know that God touched me.
I felt a power I had never experienced and had to hang on to chairs on either side of me to not fall down. For all I know, there may have been someone helping me to stand. I truly don’t know. I instantly began weeping. There was a flood of emotions I had never felt before. Somehow, I found my way back to my seat and sat and cried nearly uncontrollably. Finally, I had to leave. I made it to my car and was able to drive to the outskirts of town before needing to pull to the side of the road. There were too many tears to see through.
“I didn’t know, God. I didn’t even know this kind of love existed.”
“I didn’t know, God. I didn’t even know this kind of love existed.”
“I didn’t know, God. I didn’t even know this kind of love existed.”
The words couldn’t stop any more than the tears could. I was wrecked. The only other words I could say were, “I love you so much, God.”
When your first encounter with the LORD of Lords and KING of Kings is this full of raw passion, power, and love, you’ll never ever settle for less.
I met God that day, and I’ve never looked back.
I wasn’t looking for Him, necessarily. I wasn’t super happy with life, but life was good according to what we were taught to expect. I had a great job, good friends, an amazing husband, and two babies at home. I should have been satisfied, comfortable. People would have called me “blessed” and told me I should be grateful. I was. Mostly.
I also know myself. I was bored. All of my life, I’ve been critiqued for my propensity toward boredom. I knew I should be grateful. Of course, I loved my little family more than I could have imagined. But… was that all?
I had also just recently lived through an ordeal that many wouldn’t have survived. That is another post for another day. But surviving some things makes you different. When you literally have to fight to live, perspectives change. I think there was a part of me buried deep inside that now understood there was a greater purpose to life. A small piece of my soul whispered, “Tracy, there is more.” This whisper had always been there, and somehow, I was aware that this second chance at life would be my last if I didn’t find the “more” that my heart yearned for.
This day in April 1999 was the beginning of life for me. I dove headfirst into the Bible and the Lord spoonfed me as fast as I could eat. I met my friend’s pastor and learned so much from his teaching. I took notes on any and every sermon I could find and spent every moment I could steal away to learn. It didn’t feel like learning or studying - I was simply enjoying time with this God who loved me long before I knew Him. When I opened my Bible, life poured out.
Please hear every word I’m writing. I’m not trying to use romantic words to woo you into some kind of Christian trap. I’m not hoping to trick you into begging and praying for your own encounter. But I do want to introduce you to Jesus. More than anything, I pray you meet Him in a real, raw, power and love way, just like I did and He sweeps you off your feet even stronger than He did for me!
Back to the story - every time I opened my Bible, life poured out! Truths stirred my heart that only months ago, I would have scoffed at and perhaps even made fun of. I was learning at warp speed and simply could not get enough. I had a 3-year-old and a 4-month-old at home, and everything I learned, I taught them! Trust me, it wasn’t an age-appropriate “Sunday School” environment. I was just so in love with Jesus that I couldn’t stop talking, and they were the closest and most available ears. They grew up, day after day, with me telling them stories of wars and giants and miracles and seas parting because God told them to.
You see, when I met Jesus, I found freedom for my soul that I didn’t even know I needed! I am fiercely independent by nature - just ask my husband! I would have fought anyone who said I needed freedom. But just like I didn’t know there was this … love - this love that, after 25 years, I still can’t explain adequately - I didn’t know there was true freedom, either.
And this is where the problem started for me.
This is why I’m doing the best I can to write the story God has asked me to tell – the story that He’s given me to tell – so you, too, can find the freedom that your soul yearns for. Though I found the One who gave me freedom, it took me 20 years to figure out how to walk it out and rest in it. That’s what I’m here to share with you! The road to freedom is not paved with yellow bricks, but the journey is worth every step. Some signs can’t be ignored along the way, and there are speed bumps and potholes I had to learn to navigate! I can't wait to share my journey with you and help you find freedom much quicker than I did!